The walls were a bright white my body numb from the cold. I can’t say I am complaining, being numb is a safe haven for me. I am trapped in a room where the only things I can see are walls and not myself. The floor started to turn black and suddenly I could no longer see anything. I was falling. I could feel it, but when my body hit the bottom it was like quicksand that sucked me under, everything still black only now I can’t breathe. The numbness stopped,and I felt everything at once. The butterflies in my stomach turned into knives; all I could do was scream, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. A clear light blue came over, and I felt motions of waves. It felt good until my stomach turned. Making me sea sick, the lightning hit my fresh air, and my head started pounding.
I jet forward in bed, opening my eyes. The room was dark. All I could see was the light coming in my room from the crack at the bottom of my door. I was shaking, I took my shaky hands and started them at the top of my thighs. I closed my eyes as I rubbed my hands down to where my knees would be, instead of knees I felt stubs. I took my hands off and grabbed my wheelchair, I wheeled myself to my bathroom. I saw myself in the mirror I rolled the large wheels a little closer and put on the brakes so my wheelchair would not move. I bent my torso over and grabbed the bottom of my cut pajama pants. I pulled them back so I could see the stubs where the lower parts of my legs used to be. I looked at my ugly stubs in the mirror and moved my eyes towards my face. The imperfections on my face were visible, my light freckles, the slight scars, my acne, uneven eyebrows, the way you could only see the crease of my eyelids. And then I looked myself in the eyes, a bright blue and slight green mixture, the most beautiful part of my body. The white background of the beautiful color turned red and I saw the tears before I felt them. I shut my eyes avoiding the hideous person looking at me, and I wiped the tears off and left the bathroom.
My vision had gone black in the hallway of my old ugly house, I fell back in my wheelchair. I knew it was happening again. Vivid images of the operating room appeared, only I could see my body on the table, my surgeon’s eyes widened as he shouted orders at co-workers in the room. My soul re-entered the body laying on the table. I remember waking up in the room and the nurses telling me surgery went well, and I can go home. I remember going home after that, and not being able to feel my legs; I remember the ambulance workers strapping me down to a bed, and I remember the doctor telling me I would not walk again, and they would amputate my legs. I am trapped with no way out of this jail and I’m the only one who knows about this mental hell. The doctors keep calling, the nightmares keep occurring, the pain never stops.
As I lay down for bed tonight I know the dreams will be back. I drift off as I shut my eyes, the first image I see are my beautiful eyes looking straight back at me. A knife goes from the top of the blue in my eyes through the black pupil and straight down to the light green and all of my fears and insecurities pour out instead of blood. I feel restricted again as I did in the ambulance, only there were no nurses surrounding me. Instead my fears take over my body, leaving bruises on me. One went to my head, I felt their cold hand grasp my head and squeeze and the only part of me I had left lept out of my body. The only thing left was my bruised, broken body. I lie there as they walk away, taking everything of me with them. I try to fight, but I can’t, and I know I will never get my stolen items back. I stand in the darkest part of this empty alley and watch as everyone I love walks by me. I see them walk through me not knowing I am there and every step they take I felt on my chest. They don’t hesitate to keep walking, no hesitation to continue their lives without me. I wake up and decide to leave this jail, on my night stand sat a reflection. I picked it up and looked myself in the eyes I saw the beautiful blue then I see the ugliness. The pain takes over; it entered my stomach. My body went limp as my soul exits the jail. My body went back to the blue room, before the lightening hit, and in that happy place I stayed.