When I arrived on Earth 6 months ago, I never imagined I would ever end up how I did. My name is Ollie, and I came to Earth from my home planet, Saturn. I was sent here originally to spy on the American government. What a joy that was. Somehow I ended up on the sunny shores of Maine. I was following something that caught my eye. I have always wanted to have a significant other, but the baby bearers on my planet were not the best things to look at, but this female human was unlike anything I had ever witnessed.

After a few weeks of stalking her, I finally grew the cajones to go and talk to her. I started out awkwardly, but my nerdy introduction won me the pot of gold.  

My lovely Earth being’s name is Tamryn. She had long brown hair, green eyes, and is the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn’t imagine life without Tamryn.  

One day I noticed Tamryn was acting really weird. I asked her what was up, and she said, “Nothing, Ollie, would you please stop asking?”

“Sure Honey, I just wanted to see if you were alright.”

“No Ollie, I’m fine. Can we have dinner so we can talk?”

Even an alien knows that when a human female wants to talk, you’re not going to come out on the winning side. I stayed calm and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day.

I set the table all fancy with candles everywhere. I had made a delicious dinner. It was Tamryn’s favorite, chicken parmesan with garlic bread. She showed up to dinner late, which was abnormal.   

“Hi Ollie,” she said.  

“Hi Tamryn, how was your day?”

“It was alright. Ollie, we need to talk”

“I understand, but can we eat first? I’m starving”

We ate in silence. She reached across the table and grasped my hand.

“Ollie, I’m so sorry, I betrayed you!”

“Tamryn, what are you talking about? What on Earth did you do?”

“I…I slept with our plumber, Bill…” She said.  

At this time, I was in complete and utter shock. It took me a few moments to understand what had just come out of Tamryn’s mouth. I sat there silent for about 30 seconds or so.

“You…you did what?”  

“I’m so sorry, Ollie,” she said.  

“Just give me a reason why you would do that Tamryn? I thought we were in love? You just proved me wrong,” I was infuriated.  

She begged and pleaded for me to stay with her. I was so angry I did something I never thought I was capable of. I got so angry that I grasped her neck, and began squeezing as hard as I could.

“Ollie, stop… You’re so strong… how?”

“Well Tamryn, you probably shouldn’t have cheated on an alien,” I whispered in her ear.  

Before I knew it, Tamryn was no longer breathing.  

“I have to leave right now,” I said to myself.  

So, I hopped into my car, that Tamryn didn’t know also doubled as a spaceship. I put it in flight mode and backed into the street.

I was headed home.  

“Going to Earth was a stupid mistake,” I told myself. “Never, ever again.”