Self-Destruction

 

sharon-mccutcheon-654900-unsplashSometimes I feel like a disappointment. I feel like I let down everyone I know, even when I don’t. That’s what the mix of my anxiety and depression does to me. It makes me unstable. I will admit, I have issues. I get angry fast, and it’s out of my control. The anger overwhelms my mind and takes over. It’s makes me say things I don’t mean. I hurt people, but I don’t mean to. I don’t hurt people in a physical way, but psychologically. It’s messed up. I’ve tried to get help. I’ve been to a therapist, but it didn’t work out. No matter how many people I talk to, nothing seems to help me. My life is filled with complications, as everyone else’s in the world. These past few months haven’t been the easiest for me. My family has fallen apart. People are against each other and the love I used to feel is gone. My heart and soul are filled with numbness. I will wake up happy in the morning, and by the end of the day my mind is racing with thoughts of what life used to be for me. My life has flipped completely upside down. I no longer have both of my parents together, working as a team. We are distant, to an extent. My father has stuck with me and my sister and has done everything he can for us. He’s our provider. He’s encouraged me to do my best, but what happens when you feel your best is not enough for the people you love? What happens to your soul when you feel you’ve let everyone you love down? I’ve done things, bad things. I’ve hurt myself. I’ve hurt myself to the point I have scars, emotional and physical. I’m not proud of it. I’m not “looking for attention.” I’m just trying to tell my story. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to see myself as a good person, friend, daughter, granddaughter, niece, and human being in general. In the real world, you realize that humans suck. Humans are the real monsters. Humans do sick and twisted things. They use other people to do their dirty work without them actually knowing. They manipulate others. I’ve been manipulated, as anyone else in the world. It’s common, and I know it’s sad, but it’s the truth. I’ve gotten off topic. This is about me, and how I’ve become who I am, an anger filled asshole who desires the approval of the adults around her. How did I get here? I was once a carefree girl who was happy. Now I’m depressed and sad and I care about what everyone thinks about me. I need to be told I’m doing a good job. I need to feel like my effort is noticed. I crave it. The world has become this place fueled by fear. The fear of never becoming anything. The fear of disappointment. The fear of failure. How did we get here? I’m almost eighteen, and I feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere in life. At this point in my life, I should have it together, right? Well I don’t, and I’m just going to be thrown into the world while I’m barely able to hold myself up on two feet.

 

School, it’s always been my own personally hell, ever since my first day of head start. I don’t get along with strangers. I like things to go my way. As I got older, it got worse. I got awkward. I put on pounds. I ate my feelings, and no one noticed. I wouldn’t stay places, because I had no friends. Fast forward to about first or second grade. That’s when I started getting bullied. I was never “popular” or even considered “pretty.” People used to ask me out as a joke, and it destroyed my self confidence. Just sit back and think if you got teased by other kids your age asking you to be their girlfriend, then laughing in your face saying it was a joke after you said yes. Traumatizing right? I know other people have it worse. I know that, but we all hurt in some way. Some people hurt more than others. I’m tired of hurting. I get to a point when I’m so hurt I feel nothing. I shut down. I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t go out. I don’t clean my room. Sometimes I don’t even shower. I just lay in bed, for days and days. I sleep excessively, and I snap at the people that I love. I don’t mean to though. I think this anger and emptiness comes from something that’s missing in my life, and I’m pretty sure that’s happiness. Happiness left me a long time ago. The sad thing about that, is that I’ve gotten really good at pretending I am. I can smile my ass off and drag myself through anything. I can go cry in the bathroom and be laughing in my classroom five minutes later. Just because I’m laughing and smiling doesn’t mean I’m okay. No one knows what’s going on deep down inside, only you do. I have a hole in my heart, my soul feels empty, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

 

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