Ben Shapiro – Action Hero: A Political Satire

Ben Shapiro stood behind the curtain, waiting to give his speech at UC Berkeley, and because he knew he’d inevitably receive rebuttal from those pesky liberals, he took out a package from his pocket. “Great work, Ben,” Alex Jones AI 2.0 pounded into his brain via the microchip attached to it, “now put them in your ear.”

Ben listened to the disgraced public figure, and put the Fact Blocker 3000s into his ears. Before walking out onto the stage, Ben began to straighten up his sharp, formal attire. He gave himself a little pep talk, and began to walk towards the opening.

Before the Conservative hero could make it out, a group of Antifascists jumped from the ceiling beams in a rather queer fashion. Ben’s blood began to pump full of Conservative vigor and truth, but it was not enough to save him. They had already grabbed his limbs, and then one of them shouted in a squeaky flamboyant voice, “Get the Fact Blockers!”

Alex Jones AI came over the microchip, “Ben, no! Don’t let them get the Fact Blockers! They’ll turn you gay!”

Ben yelled, “That is literally impossible!”

What appeared to be the ringleader of the Antifa crew approached Shapiro. It smiled at him and said, “Not this time, you dirty Anti-Semite.”

“But I’m Jewish! My wife is a doctor!” Ben pleaded.

It was too late. The ironically fascist Anti-fascist ripped out both of the Fact Blockers from Ben’s ear.

“No! What are you doing? This is preposterous!”

The ringleader leaned in to Ben’s ear, and whispered, “The Earth has been consistently warming for over the past 20 years.” With the valid point striking Ben’s brain, he immediately fainted.

 

A few hours later, Ben awoke in a dark, basement, that was oddly fancy and well taken care of. Looking around, Shapiro noticed that he was strapped to a chair by a bunch of old leather belts. To both his left and right, there were members of Antifa on guard. Both were wearing Rainbow Flag capes.

Ben cleared his throat, “Ahem! What do you think you’re doing? My wife is a doctor!”

The guard on the left turned to him, and then looked at the other guard. “Go tell Mr. Obama and Mr. Biden that we got the Nazi.”

“I’m Jewish!” Ben yelled. “And it’s literally impossible that Barack Obama and Joe Biden would have me kidnapped by a domestic terrorist group!”

The guard ignored Shapiro’s nonsense and kept walking to a dark corner of the basement. Ben listened closely.

“Mr. President, Vice President, he’s awake.” Ben heard the guard whisper.

“Hold on, let us finish this round of Fortnite,” he heard a high pitched male voice say.

“Come on, Joe. My mom will be home soon, you know she usually gets home around five,” a third voice said.

 

Ben sat in silence while awaiting to meet his captors. Out of the darkness he saw the guard, and two small feminine looking men walk towards him.

“Ha! I knew it was Obama or Biden! It was literally impossible! My wife is a doctor.”

“Calm down Mr. Shapiro. My name is Barack Obama, and” pointing to the boy next to him, “this is my wife Mr. Joe Biden.”

“Excuse me. A man is a man and a woman is a woman; there is no way he can be your Mr. wife. That is literally impossible.”

As Biden and Obama got into a tiff, Alex Jones AI spoke to Ben through the microchip. “Come on, Ben. This is the day you’ve trained for. Activate your Liberal Destroying powers.”

Within a matter of seconds, Ben’s blood began to rage with his almighty Liberal Destroying powers. He shouted, “Ha! You’re living in your mom’s basement Socialist soy boy!”

Ben immediately ripped through the old leather belts, and jumped to his feet in a fit of rage. Obama ran up the basement stairs, while Biden and the two guards got into a fighting stance.

Shapiro taunted them, “You are no match for my liberal destroying powers! I eat liberals like you for breakfast- without any milk!”

“Whatever Conservitard!” Biden yelled.

“My wife’s a doctor but she won’t be helping you!” Shapiro snapped back.

With such a fatal blow of Conservative fact, Biden fainted and fell to the ground. Ben furrowed his brow and looked to the two guards who were shouting, “No Trump! No KKK! No fascist U.S.A.!”

With the power of five Batmans, three John Wicks, and twenty Taken Liam Neesons, Ben charged towards the guards and destroyed them.

Alex Jones AI came over the microchip, “Great work, Ben. Now get up those stairs and get back to the university! You must tell the youth the truth about the wicked ways of the left!”

Ben thought to Alex Jones AI, I’m awfully parched. I need a glass of water. Oh, there’s one sitting next to the chair! As Ben bent over to grab the glass of water, Alex Jones AI screamed, almost giving Shapiro PTSD flashbacks from before he was famous.

“No, Ben! Don’t drink it! They put chemicals in it! They’ve turned freaking frogs gay! Do you want to be a gay frog, Ben? Do you?”

As any other pursuer of truth would, Ben destroyed the glass of water with his supersonic mind powers of fact. “Now, time to go destroy liberals with facts back at UC Berkeley.”

With a pep in his step, Ben began to march towards the stairs. Just as he got to the bottom, a horde of Antifa punks began to rush down the stairs. “Get the Nazi!” “Racist go home!”

Alex Jones AI came over the microchip, “Quick, Ben! Defeat them! They’re here to spread fake news! CNN! Witch hunt! SOCIALISTS!”

Ben felt another surge of his liberal destroying powers, and became swole. One after one, the punks rushed down the stairs and got instantly knocked out by Ben’s truth and wisdom.

Eventually, the final socialist fell. Ben looked all around him; at all of the unconscious bodies of liberals that got #REKT. Ben maniacally laughed, stopped, and then looked at the top of the staircase. There he saw Barack Obama standing with his legs spread apart, and in front of him, was a screenshot of graphs depicting the rise in global temperatures.

Ben collapsed on his left knee, and his right fist rested on the ground. He winced, “Can’t… unsee…. the FACTS!”

Alex Jones AI spewed inspirational nonsense, “Bam! Ben! I just erased the fact from your short-term memory. Now go destroy that leftist!”

Ben looked up at Obama’s face, and furrowed his brow. “Let me show you some facts!”

 

Thirty minutes later, Ben straighten his suit back up and walked out to the podium of UC Berkeley. “Hello ladies and gentleman.”

Disclaimer: This is purely satirical.

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