Damaged Goods

I’m lost. I’m going around in circles inside my mind. I feel lonely. I feel lost. I feel like I’ve stumbled off of a path. My path. The path to enlightenment. In my life I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs though. It’s sad. It’s sad that what is going on right now, is guiding my path. The path to failure. I feel as every minute passes by me, I’m letting every single person down. I feel as I’ve let my father down. I feel like he doesn’t look at me the same. My mother has let me down. I haven’t had a face to face conversation with her in a few weeks. Who knows what she’s up to. I feel like I’ve let my little sister down. I’m not the best sister, but I’m trying. I feel as if I never do enough for my family. I got a job, but I had to cut my hours. I not making as much money as I used to, but it was for me. I had to do it.

This sadness thing is kind of annoying. I’m trying to cope with everyday life. Then WHAM, it hits me right in the face. I’m sad,  I’m angry, and I’m hurt. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. My head hangs so low most days. I don’t really talk to anyone anymore. I used to be a ray of sunshine. I used to be so happy, all of the time. That life, that life was ripped from my fingertips. I no longer wake up happy, but hateful. I’m no longer laughing from happiness, but laughing to hide the pain. I’m no longer able to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, and get my day started with enthusiasm. I am, upset. I am, angry.

How do you cope with having overwhelming sadness? You try your best to wake up and get out of bed in the morning. You push yourself to become greater, but what happens when you push yourself so hard you burn out? Nothing good. So you try and try and try, but nothing seems to help. You’re stuck on a loop. A loop of self hatred. Some things help. Some things better than others, but what happens when everything stops helping ?

Spiraling down? Infinitely. Wallowing in self hate? Definitely. People ask me why I hate myself so much. It’s pretty simple. I have this thing in my head, a voice maybe. The voices get loud, and I wish I could shut them out. I’m not crazy, but the demons in my head weigh over me. The demons in my head, they changed me. They twisted my heart and mind into something completely different. I’m still the same loving person, I promise, but I’m so different now. I don’t talk the same. I don’t act the same. I sit comfortably numb in my cocoon of a bedroom because I’m afraid. Afraid of loss. Afraid of disappointment. Afraid of loneliness.

In my head, are all my thoughts. The good ones and the bad ones. Sometimes the bad ones outweigh the good ones. Those days are the worst days. On those days, I don’t like to do anything. I won’t clean, cook, or even do laundry. I can’t do anything. Everything I do when I have days like that, I feel as if it’s not good enough. So I give up. I cave in, and I don’t want to fight. I try so hard to be better with that, but it seems it only gets worse with time. I let my grades slip. I don’t do my work. I’m just so tired all of the time.

Depression; that shit hurted. Depression is the monster that lives under all of our beds. Depression creeps up into your mind. It makes you tired and it makes you not care, especially about yourself. People who have never actually had depression, don’t know what it’s like. To have to wake up every morning, feeling like death. Wish for death. Waking up pissed off, just because you’re alive. I’ve made wishes to go to sleep and not wake up. (I wake up every time, though.)

I have a lot of personal experience with depression. It takes over my mind every day. I fight really hard, but most of the time it’s no use in fighting. It’s too strong for me. There’s no point. I miss my mom. She made things a little easier for me, sometimes. But she’s not here now, and that says a lot. A mother who leaves her children is a mother no longer. A mother who leaves her children for a dream with a man that doesn’t even want her, is a psycho. All I ever wanted was for my parents to stay together. Now I live the reality of all my friends. Now there is a possibility of step parents. A possibility of new children. A possibility of me being forgotten. It’s just another place for depression to rise, and happiness to fall.

What happens when your happiness has already fell and shattered into dust? I sit there and stare blankly. My mind is numb towards all the new possibilities of my life. I can’t even think of the positive ones. Only the bad, and the worst. I think things will get better when I’m older and out of school. Currently I’m just floating by doing the bare minimum. I’m barely scraping the bottom. Once I step foot in my room, though…it’s a whole different universe. It’s my space. I get to do my own thing. I can be sad if I want, or I can try to be happy. I play video games to try and suppress my feelings, ya know? Just cover it up for a bit. These anger issues I got though, they’re wild and always trippin.

I wish people would see that I’m trying my best. I feel like I’m at war with myself. They tell me to push myself and to try harder, but it’s tough. And no one understands. No one understands me. No one understand how hard it is to rip myself from my blankets in the morning. No one knows how hard it is for me to not eat as much. No one knows how hard it can be to just be alive. It’s hard on the soul to feel like you’re just taking up space and wasting air. My soul is damaged, It’s been poked and prodded. I will never get that back. I will never be the same little girl I was 12 years ago. 12 years ago, I was happy, thankful, well mannered and had a loving family. Now I’m heart broken, angry, and come from a broken home. So many things have changed in my life. I will never be the same. I can only reinvent myself, and that’s a lot harder than you think. I used to be so bubbly, now I’m the most hateful person. I’m so mean, and I really don’t mean to be. I’m on the edge of the cliff right now, and I’m sorry if I let you down.jairo-alzate-45540-unsplash

4 thoughts on “Damaged Goods

  1. That right there puts a feeling often so hard to explain, perfectly into words. If I could have shared that with people to help express what I was going through years ago in my depths of despair , I would have. Carry on writing, you will find your way.

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    1. I try to write for the audience that hardly gets wrote for. These are raw and uncut feelings that no one wants to put into words. I want to put it into words. I like to talk about these things, and put these things out there because I want to help kids suffering like me. Thank you.

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  2. First of all, if you have depression, please seek help, don’t suffer in silence. I understand your hurt and disappointed re your parents. Life throws us curve balls to make us stronger not crazier…what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Your parents are human, just like you, we make stupid mistakes. They love you very much, I know this because I have grown children of my own and I love them more than anything! My husband left me and it hit me like a punch to the stomach. You decide, will I go down with the ship or pull my socks up and say I GOT THIS! Turn this sadness around if you can, reach out to your parents, talk to them. Your life is just beginning and there are so many wonderful things to look forward to, I promise you. Think of all the great things you have going on, try, try, try because you do.

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    1. Thank you for your input. I have gotten help, I promise. I’m just trying to put out there the actual feelings of a depressed teenage girl. This is the style of writing I’m best at. Thank you for the advice, it won’t go unappreciated.

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