Star Wars Remastered

It is a period of civil war. Rebel space trucks, waving their flag, struck from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Union. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR-SPANGLED BANNER, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Union’s sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her star corvette, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the confederacy….


The princess’s space corvette races past the opening credits, disrupting the cinematic flow of the introduction. Buckshot turrets fire backwards at the star semi truck destroyer following behind them. Rounds and lasers flail between the empty space as the star destroyer gains speed.

“Fire the tractor beam!” ordered the captain of the semi space truck from inside the cockpit of the star destroyer. Immediately, a huge truck was flung into space with a chain attached towards the rebel ship. The truck collided with the rebel corvette, destroying the rebel flag and lodging itself deep inside the hull.

From inside the rebel ship, A shiny metal man with broken arms and a blue-capped metal midget slowly run from damaged part of the space truck. “Oh look at wat we’v gut ourselvs into, R2D2!” said the shiny crippled man. The midget running with his short legs responded with random noises, robotic droll flying everywhere. A legion of troopers equipped with trucker hats and shotguns and rifles bustles by the two.

Outside the desert planet’s atmosphere, the chain slowly begins to retract, forcefully bringing the small rebel corvette into the clutches of the star destroyer.

The two metal men run towards cover as the rebel soldiers sharpen their bayonets and load their guns. The gigantic space truck reeled in the rebel space corvette and beings to board. The front line rebels are soon met with the space union’s police force, the vile stormtroopers. Rebels begin to die left and right and storm troopers charge right through their defenses. The union begins to search the ship as a few are left behind to tend to their union. Seconds later, a tall dark fellow boards and the stormtroopers immediately salute. His name was Dark Vader, not because the color of his armor, because he was an agent of the dark side of the force! The stormtroopers saluted out of fear and racism, because they wore white armor, which is a whole nother topic we won’t go into. A storm trooper approaches the tall dark man timidly.

“We.. we.. wev’e securred the main hallway, no sign o’ the princess..”

Dark Vader looks back with the cold eyes of his suit. “I want her alive and the information she has!” ordered the dark lord. The troopers dismiss the injured and quickly ran away into the bowels of the space corvette.

Deep inside the ship, troopers look around for the princess. Leia peers around the corner with a pistol in hand and takes aim. The troopers look up and they’re gunned down. She empties the clip and reloads. She looks beside her and sees the metal men approaching from cover. The shiny man, otherwise known as Cripple 3 Post Operation, or C3PO, and the midget droid, R2D2, approach the princess in search of safety.

“3PO, R2, start heading towards the escape pods, you’ll land on Tatooine, the armpit of the outer toilet rim!”

“Ack, whatevr you say madam!” responded the arm-braced machine.

“R2, stay behind for a second, I need to record a message.”

R2 whirls, spraying the room with robotic drool. C3P0 begins to make his way towards the exhaust port.

Leia presses a button on the special droid’s dome and the photographer begins to record.

“This is a message to the legendary Jedhai Night, Obiwhan, Obeewaan… whatever your first name is. How da hell do you say your last name? What eever! Old guy on Tatooine with magic space voodoo; help me, your my only hope!” She shut off the photographer angrily.

“You can edit this in post, right R2?” Leia asks. The droid absentmindedly spinned in place. “I’m going to take that as a yes… Anyway, go meet up with shiny butt, i’ll hold up these yankees!” She said as she loaded up the pistol.

The droid whirled in approval and began to spin in the direction of the escape pods. More white armored soldiers encroached upon leia. She fired off all her rounds and they then swarmed her. She threw the gun and ran. The troopers stunned her immediately.

The droids ran into the escape pod, C3P0 complaining about the lack of handicap access in the pods. R2 whirled in, hitting all the controls at once. The escape pod launched away from the captured corvette, colliding into a few stray golden letters.

A crew of two grey garbed officers on the star destroyer look onto the escape pod.

“Hey, there’s one of them rebel escape pods, kill it!” said the man at the cannon. The guy beside him tapps him on the shoulder.

“Nah, man, there aren’t any lifesigns on the thing, leave it man…”

“Ah, your right, borther!”

They embraced for a short moment… but only for that one moment for a fear of judgement.

Back on the rebel corvette, Dark Vader was using some space voodoo, lifting the only surviving rebel commander by the throat.

“For the last time, where is the rebel base?”

The captain responded with a series of gurgles and choking sounds. After a glob of spit landed on Dark Vader’s visor, Vader lost his patience.

“You confederates are all the same..” he said as he crushed the rebel’s throat with the force. Vader tossed the corpse aside, leaving the cleanup for the unfortunate stormtroopers. Vader storms out of the main bridge, black cape flying behind him.

A stormtrooper stomped up to vader meekly, sweat perspiring from his helmeted head.

Vader seemed flustered, he was not ready to deal with more idiots.

“What?” Vader yelled, impatiently.

“S-s-s-sir, we found leia in the bowels of the ship…!” The trooper barked like a small dog.

“Hehe, bowels…” a trooper outside the room giggled. Vader instinctively cracked his windpipe without a second thought.

“I want her alive, any failure in filling out this order, and it’ll be your head.”

The trooper with the crushed throat some how uttered a muted giggle

“He he, head…”, Vader used the force to take his final shred of laughter.

“You get the idea…” Vader concluded, grimly.

The stormtrooper forgot the rest of his thoughts and scampered off towards the funnily named section of the space corvette. A few minutes later and a limp leia was dragged before the dark lord, barely awake and foaming at the mouth.

“What the hell did you idiots do to her?” Vader inquired.

One particularly bold stormtrooper stomped up.

“We stund’ the heck out of dat bitch!” he claimed loudly. Vader was not up to putting up with another idiot. Instead of the space juju, he used the pure force of his cold metallic arm to crush the life out of the ignorant soldier’s plastic covered neckpiece. The other soldiers on his flank shuddered at the guttural act.

“He was my borther…” one trooper said quietly, Vader sighed.

“Take her to the ward, lock her up and put a guard of two troops at her door.”

“Yes, lord Vad’r,” one troop responded, ”but one question…” Vader groaned.

“What troops are we going to place, you’ve killed alotta them and den she kill’d alotta us.” Vader looks around the room, remarking upon all the halfwits that lied with broken necks and mangled throats.

“Just take her to my quarters, I can handle her…”

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