Thomas was in the car on the way to his teacher Robert Dugan’s house, he was thinking in solitude, “I wonder why he invited me, what’s he gonna make for dinner, ugh I hope I don’t have to sit at the table with his wife and daughter in awkward silence and listen to the sound of chewing. I wonder what his important news is…”
Thomas was pulling in the driveway as he finished his thoughts, Robert greeted him at the door,
“Hello Thomas, would you so graciously enter my home?”
“Okay you don’t have to be weird about it…”
“Oh…was that weird?” He tilted his head slightly,“I was just trying to have some southern hospitality, did I complete that wrong?”
“Okay stop, hey Dugan did you hear in the news about how communism is for ?”
“No Thomas, I stopped paying my cable bill.”
“What do you do?”
“Oh… I’ve picked up other hobbies recently. They have really changed my mood; I feel wholesome.”
“I’ll get to that later, Thomas, that’s why I invited you here.” His right eye widened slightly.
“Can you stop saying my name like that? It’s just weird.”
“Would you prefer I call you Tommy?” His eyebrows raised as a grin took over his face, and he let out a signature chuckle “Huh,ha,ha!”
Just then Kellie walked around the corner
“Oh perfect timing, dinner is ready.”
“Do you mind me asking?…what’s for dinner?”
“Oh I’ve made a family recipe, Robert loves it!”
They made their way to the kitchen table, Robert pulled out a chair at the head of the table,
“You sit here, Tommy.”
Thomas sat down in the chair, Robert patted his back and gave him a quick shoulder rub.
“Is that a good seat for you, Thomas?” He made eye contact with his wife. She quickly shifted her eyes to the roast sitting on the kitchen table. Robert sat at the other head of the table directly across from Thomas, Riley sat down at the table with a stuffed cow in her arm,
“Riley….” Robert paused, “ What did I say about cows at the table?” She looked at the floor and didn’t respond,
“You know what to do.” She stood up and took her cow away. Thomas was confused by this rule. He furrowed his brow.
“She is ten, she needs to grow out of it.” Robert disclaimed. Thomas said nothing, he didn’t understand this rule but figured (for once) it’s not my business. Just then Riley returned to the table, Robert picked up the big spoon, scooped a pile of roast, and plopped it on her plate,
“No please I don’t want to eat it!” She begged
“SHUT UP!” He said furiously, “damn” Thomas thought to himself “is kellie’s cooking that bad?” Robert was just then plopping a large pile of the roast on Thomas’s plate,
“Eat up Tommy boy, you’re gonna love it!” His eyebrows raised as he let out another signature “hegh, hegh, hegh”
Thomas picked up his fork and got a decent bite, as he lifted it to his mouth he looked up to find everyone intently watching him, “What?” Everyone quickly looked away and started eating, Thomas was shocked. This doesn’t taste as bad as Riley made it out to be.
“So Dugan tell me about these hobbies?” Thomas grinned.
“Actually, Thomas, do you like the food?”
“Yeah, it’s good, thanks Kellie. So for real Dugan what’s the hobby?”
“You’re eating it.”
“Oh yeah? Is it an artisanal pork?”
“More like a…… an artisanal human.”
Thomas spit his food out, “You’re joking right?” He looked at Robert with a deadpan face. Thomas watched Robert open his mouth as if it were in slow motion. he let out a scream as he lifted his hands towards Thomas’ throat. Thomas stood up and ran into the living room, “HEYYYYYY TOMMY!” Robert screamed. Thomas was looking for a place to hide, “wait why am I looking to hide? I should just leave” but he couldn’t, the doors were all jammed. Thomas hid in Riley’s closet upstairs, he noticed a small door in the closet. He figured they weren’t aware of this room, so he opened the door and crawled in, “there were steps” he thought to himself as he rolled down the steps. Thomas stood himself up and brushed himself off; he looked up to find a weird basement like concrete room with a large wooden table, a wire attached to a lightbulb, and a fridge, he wondered if they knew this was there. He walked over to the fridge only to find large mason jars full of what looked like the roast from dinner. He threw up, just then he turned around and saw another large freezer box in the corner. He didn’t want to look, but his curiosity got the best of him, he flipped up the lid on the freezer and let out a quick, “Dank.”
He turned around and saw Robert with wide eyes and raised brow and an eerie grin, “Hello Tommy!”
“Wait wait wait one question before you kill me!”
“You’ve got five seconds Tommy…”
“How did you manage to find Putin’s body and keep him from decomposing all this time in a conventional freezer?”
“Easy, I can show you, when I do it to you!” Robert pounced at Thomas, but missed.
Thomas screamed as he ran to the other corner of the room,“The military didn’t teach me nothing!”
“They didn’t Thomas! They only accept men with hair!” He chuckled to himself.
“Rude! You’re trying to kill me to be your dinner and you’re still cracking jokes about my receding hairline?” Robert chuckled again,
“Yeah, well you know what they say, if you eat bald men you will become bald yourself!”
“That doesn’t scare me, I was bald by choice for 15 years!” Robert caught Thomas off guard with this and clinged to Thomas’s face with the wolverine nails he made from scratch,
Thomas screamed, “Ow, ow, ow!” And pushes Robert off “that tickles!”
“What?” Robert looked at his hands “SHIT! Wrong pair! These are the ones from my 4th grade Halloween costume! Wait here I’ll be back.”
“Why would I wait here? That would be stupid, you’re terrible at this.”
“Yeah well you’re terrible at turning in your assignments!”
“That’s the best you got?”
“Well, I can’t be too mean, I am about to kill you and feed you to my family.”
“Why did you start this?!”
“The government was shut down for 35 days Thomas! I ran out of food stamps! I gotta feed my family somehow!”
“The government reopened!”
“You should be getting food stamps though?”
“You should be getting food stamps.” Robert mocked Thomas, “the taste of human seasoned in artisanal spices is better! You know you liked it!”
“So let’s clear this up, you’re trying to convert me, or eat me?”
“We’ll convert you originally, but then I got to thinking, I’ve never tasted a red headed hipster.”
“I’m not a hipster! I hate hipsters!”
“See, you shouldn’t mind if I kill you! You don’t even like yourself!”
“Just go get your wolverine gloves!”
“Okay just wait here!”
Just then Thomas sat up in bed, he checked all of his limbs “whew” he thought to himself, “Dank dream, can’t wait to tell Dugan.” Just then he heard something fall in the corner of his room, he looked over,
“AH FRICK!” He screamed as the wolverine claws scratched up his face and body until he was lifeless and limp.
“Stupid hipster commie.” Robert chuckled.