January 16th, 2005

I knew I was dying, and I was okay with that. These walls were always so bare, they showed no color, no personality of their own. Just a blank wall. Outside the window, the only thing you could see was the roof from the lower level of the hospital. That’s where the people that have a cold, the flu, or some type of sickness that can be helped with just a little bit of medicine, that’s where they go. Now me on the other hand, I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 7. I have been fighting it for so long now. It’s been 12 years I’m 19  and I haven’t gone without a cancer cell in my body. I haven’t had a first date and haven’t had a first kiss. Hospitals were my home. I was born for this life. Maybe this is my punishment for something. Whatever it is, is killing me. I feel my body slowing starting to numb from the outside in. There was no hope for me then, I can’t seem to find hope now. Not only that, but my chemo, me sitting on this bed, racks up so much money that I know my parents can’t afford. They are going to be paying everyday till they die just because I got sick. It’s not fair to them. I know today’s going to be my last. I can feel it, my body and mind are done. I can’t fight no more. I’m sorry.

Mom, you were so strong through this, you made me feel like I wasn’t sick. Spending every night in the hospital with me, even months at a time. I know this puts a toll on your life and this isn’t what you and Dad expected. But you were by far the best sidekick I could’ve had through all this. Thank you for the laughs and all the days you spent trying to make me happy. When honesty this sickness never brought me happiness, I’ll never forget you and you’ll forever be in my heart. Don’t be sad when I am gone. Just know I’m not hurting anymore, and I’m happy that I finally get to pass on.

Dad, I know you wish’d to get rid of my pain. The days I pretended to sleep as you held my hand, I could hear you. I was just too weak to open my eyes. I heard every word that you had to say to me, I will forever and always be your little girl. Thank you for being the glue to this family and leaving the hospital and staying home to make sure someone is bringing in money. You were so strong through this all. I will forever be daddy’s little girl. Keep being the backbone and take care of mom. Because we all know she’s going to be a wreck. I love you beyond time.

I love you both to the moon and back, please don’t ever forget that. I am sorry I couldn’t keep fighting. I am sorry I couldn’t hold on as long as you guys wanted me to. But I can already tell heaven is going to be a new adventure. I will always and forever watch over you guys. When you see a sunflower think of me. When you look at my pictures for the next year missing me and reminiscing, i’ll be standing right by you, laughing at all the jokes or comments you guys were making in your head or just out loud to the family when you guys finally have your first Christmas or another holiday without me.

To my friends and family, thank you for being here today. Wipe the tears, come say goodbye, and remember I will always be by your side. Thank you for running down this journey with me and my family, we couldn’t thank you enough. I’ve left this note for Pam, my all time favorite doctor who became my best friend, to read to you guys. 

Pam, thank you for not making the hospital as bad as it actually is, you gave me joy, laughter, and a forever friend. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know how I would’ve lasted any longer in that place. Remember that one time I complained for hours about how bare the wall was, and you snuck in paint and we made a giant sunflower and hid it behind the poster we hung up to hide the evidence, even though I still had paint in my hair when my mom got there the next morning and kept asking what it was, that was my favorite memory I will always have here in this world. I love you forever for being that one hell of a doctor you are. I’m going to miss that big red puffy hair with hazel eyes. Thank you for standing at my funeral and reading this letter, till we meet again best friend.

I love all of you more than anything, don’t cry over me. Remember me before I fell ill and laugh at the good times. Till we meet again.

“She asked me to read this today during her funeral, I tried to argue with her tell her I couldn’t. Then she called me a wimp so I had to prove her wrong. She’s going to be forever missed and she loves you guys dearly” I said grabbing her mother’s hands. 

“Thank you” Her mother cried out sobbing over the casket.

I let go and walked towards my car, I didn’t think I had the guts for this, But now I have something to do. 

The next couple months, I spent painting the room she was in, I had sunflowers everywhere. I made sure it was full of color, I wish we would’ve done this when you were here. Maybe it was her maybe it wasn’t. But when I walked into the room a couple days later there it was sitting in the window. One single sunflower. 

“I hear you baby girl, you will forever be my best friend too baby.” I said clenching the flower and staring at the sky through the window.