Voices by Leasah Hutchinson

Dear Anyone, 

I walked out of the doctors today a little dazed, but as soon as I took a breath, I could smell the sweet pumpkin filled air. It was mid october, and I wasn’t expecting fall to come so soon, but then again, I should have expected it. With its sweet smells and beautiful colors, fall always brings some kind of trouble for me. This time the trouble is so unbearable I can’t even convince myself it will work out. Every other problem I hid from or ran away from, but not this one. I got so caught up in my feelings that I didn’t realize I was blocking someone. 

“Hey! Lady moved it,” he yelled angrily at me. His dark hair was hanging in his face, and he looked exhausted. I knew the voice would talk to me soon after this man had. 

  “You’re always in peoples’ way,” it started to yell, “Why don’t you just disappear.” I shook my head as I walked to the car. I could feel his eyes on my back, and I knew exactly what he was thinking. Everyone thinks that I’m insane, but why do they always stare at me? I guess they aren’t wrong. If you would have asked me yesterday if I was insane I’d have said no, but if you ask me today I’d say yes. Why might I say yes? See, the doctor I went to was actually a psychiatrist at a mental hospital. Last year I had a mental breakdown, and my teachers thought it’d be best for me to “go get help.” I was doing much better until I opened up to my psychiatrist, Mrs. Beth, and once I did, everything turned upside down. She determined that I must have schizophrenia. 

I should have guessed I had something wrong with me. I mean who hears voices in their head and thinks it normal? Me, that’s who. I call the loud manly voice, it. It always bothers me whenever I’m nervous or anxious. Unfortunately, I’m nervous 99.9 percent of the time. Well, I guess that’s just one more problem to add to my seemingly endless list. That’s enough rambling for now. Goodnight. 

Dear Anyone, 

Today is October 16, 2001 and today is also one day after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I realized yesterday I didn’t really explain why I was writing in a journal, and the reason is quite simple. My psychiatrist thought it’d help me to write my feelings down, and that’s what I’ll try to do. 

Today my mother found out what I was diagnosed with. We were sitting in the living room when she got the call. 

“Hello,” my mom said as she put the phone up to her ears. I had been waiting on this call all day. I closed my eyes and listened to her angelic voice. 

“She’ll hate you,” it shouted inside my head, “Well, more than she already does.” It was right though.  

There was silence for a long time. “You must be wrong,” my mom frantically told the professional, “She is a perfectly normal girl.” Mrs. Beth said something I couldn’t quite make out, but it seemed to trigger my mother. “No! She is normal, and that is not normal. She doesn’t have voices in her head, and she doesn’t have anxiety or depression. Look lady. I’ve paid you for a year now, and this is how you repay me?” They talked more, or should I say, my mother yelled some more. 

“What have you done?” My mother approached me filled with anger. I can still feel the slap across my face. She was livid, and she didn’t bother to peek around the bush at all. “I will not have a freak under my roof. You will leave and go live with your dad tomorrow.” I was shocked that she was so blunt with me. How could she be so cruel to her own daughter? 

Some people would be thrilled to be given a chance to leave a controlling home, but the truth is either way I’m not in the best of homes. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but they have struggled to take care of me. My father is addicted to any pill imaginable and my mother is addicted to being the “perfect” woman.  I should have known she would kick me out. She wouldn’t want her perfect little friends finding out her daughter is psycho. I just didn’t think it would have happened this fast. Well, I guess I’ll end here. Goodnight. 

Dear Anyone, 

I moved into my dad’s today, and let me tell you, the manly voice had a lot to tell me. 

“Did you know he hates you too,” I groaned as soon as I heard it speak, “Everyone hates you now more than ever. Maybe you should just disappear.” For once, I agreed with it. Why shouldn’t I disappear? 

My father limped out of the house to greet me. He couldn’t even speak to my mom or me, but somehow managed to get my bags. My mother shook my hand and left. That’s right she shook my hand. I took my things inside and found a spare room. My father never said a word to me. 

This whole world hates me, and I hate it. Why me out of everyone else in the world? I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I do feel sorry for me. I also feel sorry for everyone around me. My own father cannot even talk to me, and my mother won’t even hug me or act like a mother. Goodnight. 

Dear Anyone, 

It’s been five days since I moved in with my dad, and he has not said a single word to me. The voice is getting louder every day. Today I knew I needed to leave and go somewhere. Not far from me was a little beach that not many people knew about. I decided to walk here and try to clear my mind. I swam, read, and slept on the sandy surface and cried when I saw the sun starting to leave. I walked along the edge of the beach and up a rocky path. The path that led to a cliff I had gone to so long ago. Maybe this is the reason I came here today. Maybe it’s time to leave everyone behind. I sit here looking over the edge into the crystal blue water that swishes around the sharpened rocks. Perhaps I will  go back home to misery and tuff it out or maybe I’ll give into my desires and leap into a new world. A better world. 

“Do it. No one will miss you. You’ll finally be free,” It whispered inside my head. Maybe I will. Goodbye.

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