The weather is starting to change now, opening up a new path for me, and him. He who uses my body in the worst ways possible. Sure, it might be a woman, but the grasp he has on me is one only a man is capable of. The hands that held a tight grip that didn’t leave any marks.
It might be the demons, the ones found in the most fiery pits of the underworld. Or Hades himself, a man of great demolition, under Zeus will. Maybe it’s another God that held the same powers. I always wondered about my string, how frayed it must be.
A thousand thoughts plague my mind. Why am I the way I am? When my bones start to crack, and my knees start to creak, I ponder the ability of my body to cross the finish line.
Sometimes I can’t breathe. My lungs seem to tighten, my head starts to spin. My body feels like someone changed the dial and gravity is the heaviest it’s ever been. Maybe it is dehydration, but I feel like it is more, a being that takes over my body like it’s their own. I don’t question it anymore. I just go with what it wants to do. Fear can be a fickle mister; you never know when he is coming, what he’s going to do, or when he’s going to leave.
I hear the sounds of the wounded. At least, that’s what it sounds like. It’s muffled, but it’s a conversation. A woman and a man. Sometimes I can see them in the shadows, but I’m not scared. They comfort me. Maybe they are loved ones looking over me; or they are just a figment of my imagination. It isn’t that scary when you learn how to block them out when they start to get too loud. I see and hear the spiritual world that floats in between the white mist of heaven and hell.
At least, I used to be able to. The medicine I take creates a fog of mythical proportions. I can’t see what I used to, but I also can’t feel like I could before. I guess the need for medicine to be the only way to fix the modern mental patient was expected. I just wished it didn’t take away my dreams and replace them with nightmares.
One thing I should point out about my family is that our dreams come true. It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s true. That’s what made me the most upset because my dreams that came true turned into holistic nightmares. I came to the conclusion that the nightmares would come true.
The conclusion: that wasn’t true. I lost my ability completely. But sometimes I’m afraid that the most realistic nightmares come true. I finally got over my fear of the rain after a couple months. The dream: a flood. I thought that maybe the Bible was wrong and the world was going to end in water again, not fire. I’m grappled by him in every aspect of my life, even in my sleep.
I’m at a loss when it comes to living a normal life. Take this paper for example. You see it as crazy thoughts that don’t make sense. But to me each part correlates to the other, like a puzzle piece with the jagged edges.
Life seems to work that way too. When you’re bombarded by life’s misdeeds and troubles, it creates another misshapen puzzle piece that looks like it doesn’t belong. The hardest things we face in life always seem to be placed in the oddest of places.
I constantly have a headache. From when I wake up until I go to sleep in the evening. That’s one of my most complicated pieces to place. Of course there are more, but that’s the most definite one that sets off the others. I believed if it were to disappear I could focus more on what’s happening around me.
Sure, I’m afraid that it could be something more going on in my brain, but the only one that gets to win that race is Pheidippides, not my tormentor, Fear. Well, jokes on him, because my hips are in constant pain too. A fucked up brain in a fucked up body.
I suffer from body dysmorphia, which caused my anorexia. A mental disease that caused a physical one. I destroyed my stomach so badly that I can’t eat certain foods, or have a full stomach, and I have to take a pill in the morning before I have anything to eat or drink.
If you think about it, it’s kinda comical. I started my life off with a gift from the Gods and am now in a place where I’ve completely fallen apart. Well, I was, I think I’ve been doing better. If my mom can make it through this world, then so can I.
I’ve thought about a lot in my life. You don’t have to live a long time to go through horrors unimaginable. Ones that you wouldn’t even wish on your worst enemies. But life still has more to offer, which is what I look the most forward to when I leave my childhood home.
Leaving is what is going to set my future into action, setting me on a course that is heading for success. There are so many things to explore in the world, and it’s what I look most forward to after college.
We might be facing war, and the glaciers might be melting, but I’m going to survive he who is Fear. I say, Fear can leave me alone for the rest of my life, for it has taken away more from me than it should have.
My mind might be fickle and absurd. But it will never be overrun from the Gods who try to plague it. I am free to believe and think on my own and not what Fear wants me to believe. For he has no control, and I am one in my own.