It was May 2, 2024, I heard rusty (the dog) whine. I could see his shadow pacing back and forth through the crack under the door. I chuckled to myself. If only he had thumbs he could open the door and save my life. But he didn’t have thumbs. He was a dog. I felt a puddle of wetness spreading out all around me. The viscous liquid was hot and sticky. Somewhere in my mind, I knew what it was, but I couldn’t recall the word. I
I tried desperately to remember how I ended up on the floor here, in this room, my clothes soaked. I didn’t feel any pain apart from a profound frustration that I knew it was beyond my power to leave this place. I resented the dog for having the power to move freely. I tried to shout to the dog, but all that came out was a hoarse croak.
Suddenly there was a commotion all around me. The dog quickly skittered away from the other side of the door. The world flooded with a bright, white light, and then my mind struggled to comprehend what I saw. The world was coming to an end, and I didn’t know how or why. Everything I’ve been through in my life, all the crazy adventures all to end this way.
I tilted my head from left to right looking at my surroundings, searching for a weapon. My dog whined from downstairs as if he saw something. My body went into a fight or flight response. The room went in and out into black and back into light repeatedly. My heart was pounding and my hands were sweaty.
This wasn’t the first time this had happened. This panicky feeling I get is when I am alone which I have ever since the beginning of the war against the World. I have tried to get the cops involved to take down this madness, but they continued to let these evil people conquer the world. They called me a fool for disturbing them.
My Mom is coming to my apartment in a few days; check the surroundings and figure out why the local police will not meet my needs.
May 3rd, 2024,
I couldn’t ask for a more horrid morning. The dog woke me up from his hysterical barking followed by a hit on the head from a large tall man. I passed out on the spot; I’m guessing because I woke up again on the floor covered in my own blood. As I laid there I was overwhelmed with hopelessness. I couldn’t even pick myself up, although It feels like I have a mission to complete to get through this.
No matter what I do these things still occur and of course it had to begin for the first, when I was home alone filled with sadness. The chaos always breaks for me when I’m emotionally low or not occupied. I’ve come to the conclusion the world is coming to an end, though I haven’t been outside to see the world. I’ve looked through the windows of my apartment opening myself to the caos. It seems it’s become a normal thing to me. I had traveled in my younger days, but all of a sudden hell was unveiled in front of my eyes. I haven’t even seen my Mom since the chaos broke loose. I cannot wait to see her.
May 4th, 2022,
Shadows passed under the door throughout the night, as the cold breeze blew in my window. Morning arose along with the noise. Screaming roared in my ears and lights glare in my eyes. My head began to feel light as the chaos progressed. My vision went into an oscillopsia state.
I patiently waited for tomorrow. It has been years since I had seen my mother. She never made contact with me, until the chaos formed she reached out. Rusty ran up to me and took a nib to pull my shirt toward his direction.
It was my mother who arrived early. “Why didn’t I hear the door knock” I wondered? I figured I was consumed by the chaos, and my ears were consumed by the noise. “Hello mother, you’re here a day early”. “Yes dear”, her voice sounded faded as if she was talking, but her volume was very low.
She hadn’t changed a bit. Her hair was still long and fluffy. Her eyes were as emerald green as could be. It is as if she hadn’t aged even a day since I last saw her. She looked at me with discomfort. I couldn’t figure out why. She looked up and down at me as if she was judging every part of me.
“I need you to do something for me” She told me. “Yes mother what is it, anything”, “You need to kill yourself, or I will” She said bluntly.
“What are you-” I began to panic. I didn’t feel the need to ask her why. I walked into my bedroom and went down under my bed, and grabbed a white shoe box, which held my Beretta Pico.
My gun was already loaded in case, because you never know in this city. I had it fully loaded holding six bullets. I pulled the gun off of safety and walked from my room to my mother. She stood in front of me and looked me in my eyes. It was like her voice echoed from my head but her presence stood in front of me.
“Son, you know this world isn’t going anywhere but to hell. Chaos strikes all the time. People will come for you whether they know you or not. Time is running out. If you do this now you will be able to escape this place and be with your father.”
I dropped my gun as a knock struck the door. My mother’s presence faded from my eyes as the knocking continued. I ignored the fact that my mother just faded, but I just thought it could’ve been from the lack of sleep, and my vision was blurred.
I walked one foot slowly in front of the other, as my eyes focused better on the sight through the peephole. “Mom, why are you out there”.
“I know right I should be in there, let me in.”
“Haha, yeah”. My mind was wrapped in confusion. She looked so much different. Her face was more wrinkled and her hair was cut to a short bob.
She came in and settled onto the couch. As she glanced around the room I warmed her up a pot of coffee. I knew something was wrong. I was scared. It seemed like my mind was taking over me.
“Mother we must speak.”
“Yes, hunny what is it?”
“My vision is blurred.”
“I haven’t slept for days, chaos is breaking in this city.”
“Maybe you’ve caught a head cold, but I don’t see the city breaking. It seems quite nice in my opinion.”
“Nice?” I wondered if I was crazy but I couldn’t be, I mean,”could I”?
“Can you take me to the emergency room, please” I asked her “Of course hunny not a problem”
May 4th, 2022, later that day
I got admitted into the emergency department. The room was bright, yet shadows still stood. The doctors immediately started taking assessments on me, to get faster results, after he continued to ask multiple questions, examined me well. The doctor came in and asked to speak with my mother out of the room. Doctors swarmed the hallway as if hell was breaking throughout the hospital.
Minutes later my mother came in along with the doctor behind her. She looked as if she got the worst news of her life, while the doctor had his head facing down. Ever since the beginning I’ve had a feeling this is what it was going to come down to, but I never wanted to admit nor believe it.
The doctor came in and sat while saying “Hey buddy, your tests came back.”
“Well what are they, what did they say”?
“Well a biological signature of schizophrenia was shown in your blood serum, along with your MRI which showed a smaller volume in your brain with enlarged ventricles.
“So I have schizophrenia, as in the mental disorder”?
“Yes sir, that is in fact the diagnosis”
May 11th, 2022
It’s been a week; I’ve been in a community home with others like myself. It actually has been a great relief to be somewhere, where others struggle as I do. They allow Rusty to stay with me in my room as long as I don’t have a severe attack. Medication has now been added to my daily life routine, and so far so good. Therapy of patients and I are helpful as well.
Learning coping skills has also impacted my life. Before, my emotions were very uncontrolled. Now my emotions feel more settled. My life before my diagnosis, although others take and comprehend being diagnosed differently. I feel quite relaxed now that I’m not confused or scared anymore. If you ever feel symptoms of a mental disorder, it is okay to get help. I completed my mission
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